Monday, May 02, 2005

Humorous Quotes

Without geography, you're nowhere.  ~Author Unknown It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.  ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981 He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.  ~Torvald Gahlin I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  ~Author Unknown Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  ~Author Unknown You can't have everything... where would you put it?  ~Steven Wright May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts may He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping. ~Irish Prayer Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ~P.D. East There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.  ~Jerry Seinfeld The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.  ~Woody Allen And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"  ~Author Unknown Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  ~Author Unknown The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.  ~Author Unknown The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~Author Unknown A great name for a new country song:  If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.  ~Author Unknown Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ~Rita Mae Brown A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ~Sir Winston Churchill Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.  ~Author Unknown How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?  ~Author Unknown Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  ~Carl Zwanzig A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.  ~Evan Esar Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But I like an orgy, once in a while. ~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home Can we actually "know" the universe?  My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.  ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971 A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  ~Jack BennyI learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  ~Fred Allen Resolve is never stronger than in

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